I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
