I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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