fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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