Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I lost the right to judge tonight
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
