The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
