Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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