So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
nutella sex= disaster
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
