John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
