I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my being single is dangerous.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
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