she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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