he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
