Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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