i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
