Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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