That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Randomize
