The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
