He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
