All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
