Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize