she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
