my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
