I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize