i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
