The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
