I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
