I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
