need another drink. this is the easiest way
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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