Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
