i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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