Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize