The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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