If i come over, it means nothing
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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