I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
