i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
