Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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