My underwear smells like fireworks.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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