i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
