the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
