I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
