tonight lets celebrate not being married
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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