no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
