I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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