Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I just found puke in my bra..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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