Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
