Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Hippo gnu deer
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
