If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Randomize
