I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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