I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
