This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
