I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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