FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
