he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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