I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize