im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
