I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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