she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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