i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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