Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
