i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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