I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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