I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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