The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize