I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize